I can’t wait til our 3year anniversary<3 We might do the usual but the usual is always different because we fall deeper each day, through the fussin &fighten we stay strong for eachother.
I wish it were easy to change a family altogether. I know that if we all went to church together, the christian church we’d be cured or helped or better? I remember the feeling so well…when I was there my body was nothing all I knew was me the whole me. I guess its unexplainable.
My mom says she’ll dissown me if I move into my bfs house. I’ll be 20 in Nov. I pay all my bills (Phone, Gym Membership, Credit Card, Car Insurance and gas) and I bought my own car. I’ve had a steady job since I was 17 so that’s how long I’ve choosen to pay my own stuff. The only thing I dont pay for is rent and food. Im still under her roof so this is the way it’ll be. The only reason why I’d love to move out is because of the way my family functions. It’s out of control. My bro takes of whenever he wants because my mom “has no control over him” he has said hurtful things to my mom and called her crazy, disrespected my dads place. And my other bro who’s in high school now complains the same way I did about my mom being extremely and ridiculously unreliable for rides. It’s like my parents are clashing so they cant agree on how to parent..and not even that, it’s like they CHOOSE NOT to parent. Tonight my mom yelled at my bro for complainf about being the last one to get picked up because she did pick him up and because she -had- to pick him up she didn’t get to go to the casino with my dad and he left alone. WOW. I was sittin right next to her and I just man my 14yr old bro may act tough but I know he’s remembering those words..pitty bullshit. He walked away calling her a Bitch and also said how can I love her? Those words hurt me..he said them in english so I dont think my mom understood and Im glad because it would’ve hurt her alot more. I dont get how a mother can say that tho. FIRST is your children and their safety not your damn man who doesn’t get a divorce. Thats all she complains about and how we dont have a house. I still havn’t heard a real reason from my dad on why not get a divorce because he is seperated with his wife obviously he’s lived with us for 15years. My mom can get a real job and actually work for her money. Easier said than done. It feels like I parent my 9yr old brother more than they do. The other day I told my mom I want to take him with my and move out..she said “DO IT” as if she was daring me. Im growing sick and tired of it. I honestly wish I had the balls to leave everything and everyone just for awhile. But I know I would be reported “missing” and I’d worry my grandparents to death so eff that. I cant. Im stuck in this little prison..with my own family and its killing me inside. It tears my heart apart to feel this way, so selfish and immature. I just wish I could hear that Im a stupid little brat who is unappreciative and inconsiderate or that Im partly right and maybe I should find another place to love. People tell me to move out since Im not happy..hah! As much as I love to hear that response, I hate it. Because its not easy to up n leave just like that. My mom broke her promise…really bad. She always told me “Mija never doubt you can come to me, even if your in trouble I’ll always be here for you no matter what”. Im supposed to be going to SB tomorow but when I told my mom I was going she said “Well if anything happens to you and you call I might just deny you”. This after she argued with my bro about being the last one to get picked up from the game. But still GOOOOOD to hear my mom say that come onnnn what do I do? At the moment my face was in shock blank I did not cry but right now Im feeling those words. Everything is coming to me. Why is it so hard to just live? I fuck up everyday by comparing my family to my bfs but I just notice things. You know its easy to “see” things that are good when you go home for 2mins and there is some type of arguement going on. At times like these memories flow back, all of them. When I told my ex bf to stop but he didn’t. When my dads older sons held my mom down and punched her..when my mom made me call the cops on my dad and say he had a gun….when he didn’t he has never hit my mom. My moms past is her nightmare, Im so sorry for her because she was beaten daily by my uncle she never had a normal childhood and neither did my grandma. My grandma was hated by her mother and my mom says my grandma has never said I love you to her or shown love. I dont even want to have kids sometimes because of this cycle. I mean really? God is putting me to a test and I feel like Im failing bad. When I was going to the christian church consistantly about a year ago it was as if peace was settling in my family and I was less stressed and things were simply getting easier. I havn’t gone to any church in over 2months. I’ve always known what I have to do but I just cant push myself together. Push myself to happiness and carelessness.. Growing up my mom repeatedly told me “You are much stronger than I am” I always saw it as a really good thing but 1:My mother (my rolemodel) should not have shown me her weakness. 2:I never believed her. I have thought about suicide but its a sin. I love my brothers too much and my grandparents and my mom and dad. They’d miss me right? I usually need people to tell me how pretty I am to believe it or how well Im doing to believe it. But I dont need anyone to tell me Im doing horrible to believe it I just know I am. My only motivation is money. Get money for this and that because THEN I’ll be happy. I said I neeeeed money for a car because then I’ll definently happy but look at me now. All I do is push people away and dig myself this whole that Im even begining to like. I disgust myself for knowing what I need to do and still not being able to walk away. Or at least I think I know what it is. I just know that I definently need God in my life. As well as I know he’s listening Im blocking his words and I dont know why..thats how it feels. This year went by fast but everything happened real slowly. I feel like I grew balls over the last few months. Balls to tell my mom Im going out of town, TELL her not ASK her. At 15 years old I never would’ve thought that 5yrs down the road I’d dissrespect my mom like that. Everything that happens with that family falls back on my mom and we all complain about it. It must be really hard on my mom and I know because when I didn’t used to spend every minute possible with my bf I’d be with my mom—shopping, talking but mostly hearing her cry over her problems. I wish I could be like before but I also think seeing my mom BE WEAK has made me believe I cant do any better. I JUST DONT BELIEVE IN MYSELF. I have never had motivation. Sometimes I want something huuuge to happen so that I fucken grow up or do what I should do finally and Im still waiting for it. Im pushing away the people I love the people that care for me. I just wish my relationship with my mom could be the same like it was in 3years ago. My trip to SB was supposed to be “fuck the world” kinda thing but now I dont know if I can let myself go. Im actually afraid to come home on sunday and find my belongings in the trash bins outside or my property damaged because my mom knows whats valueable to me. To finalize tonights arguement with my mom about the trip she walked away saying “..going on that trip, staying the night there with him..you act like your married..hah! worse than my marriage” yep she said that and my immediate thought was “You wish!” My bf being the one I tell most of my problems says that she’s jealous of mine and his relationship. I believe it at times but Im also scared because I learned thru a counseling class in high school that that is a form of manipulation by your partner. And quite frankly my moms thoughts and experience with love, a failed marriage with my real dad (due to physical abuse by him) and what she thinks of my bf—-has made me extremly terrified to trust anyone and fall in love. Or it just might be me and at this point I feel like I’ve started to blame too much on my mom so I start doubting myself and of course BLAMING myself and then thinking of going missing again. When I didnt have a car I would think of using the fax bus to get across town and wonder alone. But now that I have a car I think of leaving really far, alone. I love my mom so much. I tell her that he and I are serious, we do have plans..why after seeing that I defend him for 3yrs cant she see that he and I are no joke. It seems like she’ll never except him. It kills me because I even feel like the day is coming when she is going to ask me to choose between her and my bf. Never ask me that question. You know my mom defended me my whole life. In school when I got in trouble and it was MY fault but she still had my back. When high school got expensive she was there to say “how much do you need for that?” She used to ask if Im sad..and if I was we’d go buy things we couldn’t afford and if we didn’t have any money we’d shoplift. Yeah my mom taught me how to do that, she’s not proud of it. She’d always told me she’s sorry for affecting me and my brothers because of her problems:she is clinically depressed and bipolar. But she is still our mother. I always thought I could change her. Teach her? Make her strong…but I have obviously given up and come to a conclusion: its impossible you cant change a grown women. I never wanted to believe or admitt that she has affected me in a negative way but about a month ago, I did. So a week ago I started seeing a damn shrink. She said I dont need meds..that I just need to be stong put up barriers and explain how I feel to my mom..that this is normal. I have to stop now because I just feel like Im bagging on my mom. Me-my mom. My mom-my dad. My mom-me. Me-money. Me-him. The victim will always love the abuser.
and thats why you felt it was ok to totally become my entire life…not literally but well most of it for sure. I must have failed 20tests my enitire senior year cos of late nights spent with you. I must have lost 20friends that year. I must have lost 20minutes or more of sleep each night just thinking about you.I must have missed out on 20events/parties. I must have been crazy…in love…since the day I met you. You swept me off my feet the moment you could. I dont regret what I have lost because of you because quite frankly you were, are and will always be worth it. Til this day I’d rather spend my time with you, simply watching a movie cuddled in the sheets, eating, talking, sharing and living..with you. Sure I can choose to go out and party/drink/smoke but right now is when I have butterflies for you. Parties, beer and weed will always be around and be the same. You and I…are the past, present and future. Thats why we are still together and willing to brush thru whatever hits us. Well thats the way I see it anyway!